Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
