trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
