when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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