Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
