herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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