I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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