I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
