He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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