Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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