I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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