she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
