Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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