when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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