Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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