When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
