Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
