in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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