If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
