There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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