Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize