I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's blow job season.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
