Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
