Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
