I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
