with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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