paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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