Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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