Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
