Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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