I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
