dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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