"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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