mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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