i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
