Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
