I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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