I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
