dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
