I wish I could teleport
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
