She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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