he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
