1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
