HIV tests are more positive than that guy
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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