if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
