The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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