I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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