Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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