It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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