maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
