Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
