I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
