There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
