I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
