i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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