his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
be right there i have to get my cape
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
