I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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