everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
