The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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