Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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