Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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